Talking to your children about divorce

Children cope best when parents tell them together, calmly, with a simple message and a promise of steady love.

What every child needs to hear

• This is a grown-up decision. It is not your fault and you cannot change it.
• We both love you and that will never change.
• Here is what stays the same, and here is what will change.

By age

• Under five: short, concrete words and steady routines. Tell them where they will sleep.
• School age: expect questions about fairness and blame. Answer honestly without details of adult conflict.
• Teenagers: give them a voice in scheduling, not the burden of choosing.

What to avoid

• Asking children to carry messages or keep secrets.
• Criticizing the other parent where children can hear.
• Asking them to choose a side.

A family therapist or divorce coach can help you plan the conversation. Many courts also require a short parenting class for parents with minor children.

This guide is general information, not legal advice. Laws differ by state and change over time. For advice about your situation, talk to a licensed attorney in your state.